Thursday, February 14, 2008

Be careful what you wish for

A few weeks ago, I took Valentine -related matters in to my own hands. I sat Husbandly One down, and calmly explained to him that THIS year I wanted him to actually DO something for me for Valentine's Day. And I made it easy and clear: "I want you to take me to a movie. I don't want to come home from work that day and then have some big debate about what-do-you-want-to-see-I-don't-know-what-do-YOU-want-to-see. I want to get home, know that you have tickets, and that we are going out."

Husbandly One loves me very much, but he doesn't really follow current movies. So, all on his own, he went out to buy tickets. Nothing really "spoke" to him, so he picked what he thought would be a nice, light romantic comedy. (First alarm bells should have gone off at that point..... I haven't seen a romantic comedy since "Pretty Woman" for Christ's sake.)

When we got to the theatre, I had NO idea what movie he had picked. On our way in, I kept my eyes on the floor so that I wouldn't see a random poster outside the door. For the first time in my life, I sat in a darkened theatre with NO idea what movie I was about to see, and I must confess it was delicious fun, kind of like Christmas morning with a bucket of popcorn.

I was secretly hoping for "Juno".

Instead I got "Fool's Gold".

It started at 9:10. At 9:30, I looked at my watch for the first of many times. Around 9:40, I considered asking Husbandly One if we could leave, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Around 9:41, he leaned over and, without taking his eyes off the screen, calmly whispered, "This is fucking awful."

I made the MASSIVE mistake of looking at him when I answered back, "Omigod, this is the worst movie I have ever seen in my LIFE." Looking at him was a mistake because it caused me to giggle. You know, those deep, soul cleansing giggles that you can not control. I finally DID get it under control and then looked at the screen again. The sheer previously unimagined level of badness that confronted my senses, however, only made the giggles worse. And then I felt him shaking with laughter next to me, and I was done.

I literally had to put my head between my kees to stop laughing. I finally got my shit together and sat up again, ready to be a grown up about the situation, just watch the shitty movie. And I managed quite admirably until I realized he was looking at me, biting his lip to keep from laughing. And then I REALLY lost it.

I sat in my seat, in the PACKED theatre, trying to catch my breath while wave after wave of giggles overcame me. Tears poured down my cheeks and my stomach hurt. And every time I thought I was ok, I would look at him and lose it again.

Fun, fun night. Worst movie in the universe, but a fantastic date.

And in honour of this cinematic masterpiece, here are some excerpts of a review by Patrick Walsh I found on-line after we got home. Must admit, the reivew made me laugh almost as much as the movie.....



By the time this review is over, I will have spent more time thinking about Fool's Gold than the writers of its script. This...thing...is one of the sloppiest pictures released by a major studio in recent memory. What can you say about a "romance" with no romance, a "comedy" with no laughs, an "adventure" with no excitement? Though I certainly wasn't rubbing my hands together in anticipation walking in to the theater, I thought this would at least succeed at being an enjoyable time waster. "Attractive people wearing few clothes in exotic locales -- I can handle watching that for a few hours," I thought to myself. But I was wrong. So very wrong. The whole affair is about as compelling as a two-hour fart.

A relentlessly shirtless and Nickelback-coiffed Matthew McConaughey plays Finn (have you ever met a "Finn?"), a beach bum/treasure hunter obsessed with finding the "Queens Dowry," 40 chests of treasure lost at sea in 1715. His wife Tess (have you ever met a "Tess?"), played by a relentlessly scowling Kate Hudson, wants to divorce him because he's so immature. But despite her hatred for him, they reunite for one last score and I'm dozing off just writing this sentence. I won't waste your time with the details of the plot. The epic ten-minute sequence in which McConaughey and Hudson explain the history of the treasure is so poorly conceived, so talky, so dry, so dull, that I'm fairly certain sitting through it rendered me impotent. I won't subject you to the same fate.

Hudson and McConaughey are attractive, moderately talented people, but they create a gaping black hole of chemistry nothingness here. Hudson repeatedly comments on McConaughey's amazing sexual prowess, but it's hard to believe they've even shook hands before. Watching these two "romance" each other, you'd swear that right before each scene Hudson turned to McConaughey and whispered "I have the worst diarrhea." Then McConaughey responded "You look exactly like my sister." Then director Andy Tennant shouted "Okay, you two both have herpes...and...action!" I've experienced more romantic sizzle with my desk lamp. And I don't even like my desk lamp.

I'd call Fool's Gold the worst movie of the year, and it certainly is, but that really doesn't make as strong a point as I'd like. It's only February after all. So I'll say it's the worst movie in a couple years. Please don't see it. Do something more fun with your time. You know, like jamming a piece of barbed wire into your urethra.

1 comment:

forestsister said...

this is freaking hysterical...because i LIKED 'how to lose a guy in 10 days' i figured this movie would also be quirky and fun. that review made me howl!! too funny... prob'ly won't be off to see it anytime soon...