Thursday, February 21, 2008

Age appropriate

At the age of thirty eight, I have experienced many fashion revelations about growing into "early middle age." Things I have learned over the years:

Bikinis? Well, I actually gave those up at age 27, when I was forced to re-evaluate my post-baby stomach. What was once relatively flat with a lush curve to it, had been reduced to an angry red Interstate pointing its' way to my fecundity. I don't want to see my stretch marks, so why would I subject unsuspecting masses to their hideousness?

White pumps? I have worn them twice in my life: to my high school prom in 1987, and to my wedding in 1994. Other than that, JUST SAY NO. Please.

Miniskirts? I thank the Lord and all his saints, angels, seraphim, and assorted other good guys that I still have the legs to pull them off, but, umm, should I?? No. There comes a time when a hemline two inches above the knee should become your limit if you want people to think you are Serious, as opposed to just thinking that you are Sad.

Stretchy tops? Only good if I am wearing a jacket over it. And standing up. And not moving. And sucking it in. Otherwise? Bad idea.

But tonight I learned a whole new lesson. Since I was 12, I have always had long fingernails. Nails that (thank you, genetics!) are literally perfectly formed, with a pleasing curving shape, and hard enough that more than twenty years of abuse hasn't changed them. I mean, I WON. I consider my nails to be one of my most attractive features. (We'll discuss how pathetic that is another time, thanks.)

So I went out to buy new nailpolish. I tend to wear soft, pearly, gentle colours, but I was drawn to this gorgeous vibrant red. I remember wearing a similar shade in my early 20's, how sexy my hands looked. And seeing how looking sexy tends to strike me as a good thing, I bought it and just applied this scarlet lusciousness to my hands.


Holy shit, EXCEPT that my hands now look like Cruella DeVille. Give me a black cigarette holder, tiny boobs (ok, got that part!), and a coat made out of puppies, and we could be the same person. I am floored by how bad the bright red polish looks on my hands, it's like seeing Maggie Smith in hot pants.

Is this really how Middle Age starts, with nail polish??

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