Monday, May 5, 2008

Just my normal, sunny disposition

Wow, was today a crappy day.

I woke up suddenly from a nightmare that we had gone bankrupt. (seriously, THAT was my dream, and then I immediately had to get up, no chance to go back for a second dream where we won the lottery.)

Husbandly One had today off, so he was still asleep when I had to leave. I kind of poked him and said, "Umm...I'm leaving." He (in his 97% asleep state) rolled over and raised his arms to me instinctively, like a small child, and kind of mumbled, "I love you baby", which made me cry. No, not in the good way, in the way of, "Huh, how come the only time I get your undivided mental and physical attention is when you are unsconscious?"

(And yeah yeah, calm DOWN, I get lots of attention from him in normal life, but I was already a little bummed out and vulnerable and irrational at that point, okay, and it was only 7:30am)

I got to work for a breakfast thing at 8 am, and one of my co-workers made a comment that was not intended to hurt me -- it wasn't even directed at me--, but cut me to the quick and I sat in a restaurant with three other women, trying not to cry. I almost made it. Not quite, but almost.

And my day only got more festive from there. Around 10 am, I said something to my manager which was, to be fair, slightly unfair and definitely bitchy on my part. She called me on it, and then I said in an acid tone, just dripping with sarcasm, "Listen, I'm just in a really bad mood, alright? So I'm not going to express my opinion about anything else today because clearly everything I say and everything I think is wrong."

And then when she left my office, I once again sat in near-tears, because I couldn't believe how fucking rude I had just been.

And then, around 11 am, I wallowed in the knowledge that Husbandly One won't even remember to even get me a card for Mother's Day and I sat there feeling sorry for myself. And then by 11:30, I was furious at myself for having the expectation that I DESERVE something for Mother's Day from Husbandly One. (Some mention of te day from my son? I totally deserve THAT. But to expect something from Husbandly One, who met me six years AFTER I had my son? Not so much.)

And then, just because I figured I couldn't get any more miserable, I checked all the lottery tickets in my wallet. Huh.

Kept my head down, and my bitchy comments to myself for the rest of the day, thank God for tender mercies. My manager gave me a wide berth, and around 5pm gave me a quick, "Tomorrow's another day." Which, of course, is her way of saying she forgives me for being an asshole, but made me feel worse.

But she's right, tomorrow IS another day, and I really hope it's better than today.

No comments: